I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.