“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy