Owl Sanctuary
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Free him
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”