*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.