Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous