I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.