A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Netflix and you sit over there.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU