Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When ur friends with white people
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.