HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
You Might Also Like
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.