me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!