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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The Onion called it…again.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Kids, do not try this at home!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My time has come.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao