I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”