Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
is this how new cars are made??
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.