*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]