Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
A man of commitment.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.