When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*leads a conga line off of a bridge