inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
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Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name