For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
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Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.