People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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A classic…
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I’m not wrong
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna