*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.