[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
taking June’s advice to heart
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
i baked you a cake
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.