17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan