Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You sure about that?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
We decided to have money instead of children.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Not all heroes wear capes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago