I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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Ok team, today we’re …..oh
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no