IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You Might Also Like
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”