Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
good work, detective
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.