if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”