My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.