Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…