at ease…shoulder.
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Y’all ready for this
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁