she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?