Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“What movie?” 🤔
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Guy who likes music
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out