I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The Birdles
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Liquor Store Parking
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Coffee is ready.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!