I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
You Might Also Like
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: