Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
You Might Also Like
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭