Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Stop sending me this shit.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Huge, if true.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.