[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”