Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.