no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
hackers play passwordle
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Never forget.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
somebody come look at this
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison