I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
can’t catch a break
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m listening
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.