*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”