Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
So the ex texted me
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.