Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..