[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
what?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?