Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester