A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own