People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You Might Also Like
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m pretty like a car crash.