My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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girls literally only want one thing..
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.