Ron is short for Aaronald
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I came this close!!!!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
How it started: How it’s going:
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”