*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’m already scared
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus